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daffodils.

Anything I ever said about Derek, take it back. I never said it. I'm not gonna go into any details, but let's just say he turned out to be someone completely different. Someone, I didn't want to be with.

But on the other hand, its springtime! At least in Greensboro, it is. Its coming soon to Boone. The daffodils are fully bloomed in Boone. That's always a good sign. There's hope in those little yellow flowers. Spring always makes me so happy. Even though I get swamped with itchy eyes, a runny nose, and the worse headaches anyone can imagine. Something about spring just puts a smile on my face. Part of it is the busy-ness. So many things happen in the spring.
* I start working at New Garden on a regular basis again
* Baseball. and lots of it. Northwest, Appalachian, Grasshoppers, MLB.
* Cookouts, dances, vacations, etc.
* and so much more.

(PS-this post will be all over the place. i have lots to update you on)

My roommate and I. At the beginning of the year, things were great. We hung out all the time, talked about everything, and even had Thursday nights reserved for each other. Perfect, right? Not so much anymore. We never see each other, don't speak to each other, and never save time for each other. Its rather sad. I want to be her friend, I enjoyed our friendship. I come in the room and not a word is spoken to me. I try making conversation and it just doesn't happen. She has changed a lot over the year and I don't know if it was for the better or not. Her boyfriend and her broke up in December and ever since then things have not been the same. During the first semester, she was caught up with him and never went out to meet new people. While I was joining PSE and meeting all kinds of new people. Now that they have broken up, she has no one here besides a few friends that she sees on a very irregular basis. I'm just worried about her. I want to talk to her about things but I she doesn't. All I can do is hope and pray that God helps her out of this rut and back into the fun, exciting friend I used to have.

Boys and I. Boys are confusing. That's really all I can say. And its not necessarily them that are confusing. Its me that makes such a mess. I'm just indecisive and scared. My last relationship with Daniel did not end well. At first, I never saw an end. Boy, that was foolish of me. So when the end came, I was heartbroken. Since then, I've grown as a person and believe that I've become a stronger woman. But then, a boy comes along. I fall apart. I make myself vulnerable. Then, I end up getting hurt. Every. Single. Time. I'm done with being hurt. I'm done with being vulnerable. The next guy I'm with will have to come to me. I'm done sacrificing myself. He's chasing me this time. I'm not chasing him.

Ok. I'm done. As I've said before, this blog is mostly used for myself. It helps me straighten things out in my head. Sorry to bore you with all this. Maybe one day I'll write something informative and helpful to you people. :)

advice from the creek.

"...the second kiss is always tougher than the first one. And that first kiss, it's the passionate one, it's the one fueled by desire, and attraction, and all of that. The second kiss is rational. You've got time to think about it, worry, and overanalyze. Most women, they prefer that first kiss, but I'm partial to the second one. Because it's about something more." -Betsy to Joey, Dawson's Creek, Season 2 Episode 1

As the snow is falling in Boone...again. I'm sitting in bed watching my Dawson's Creek box sets. I started Season 2 this morning. (Can I just mention that I've seen every Dawson's Creek episode at least 5 times?) In episode 1, the viewers witness Joey and Dawson's first kiss. Joey gets all flustered and worried that maybe they made a mistake or that she did something wrong. Her sister gives her that piece of advice. The advice that the second kiss is always the one that means the most and that she needs to be patient in order to receive that second kiss. Then it hit me, I am the Joey.

Things with Derek and I took a huge U-turn a few weeks back. Feelings were too strong at the time. Things had gotten really serious, really fast. Nothing went wrong it was just that we needed to take a few steps back in order to take steps forward in the future.

At first, I was really upset about that fact. Like cried myself to sleep-woke up with swollen eyes-constantly checking my phone-kind of upset. But I then came to my senses. I realized that I needed to get on with things. So I did. Derek and I continued with our friendship and tried to be as normal as possible. Well, now things are looking up again. Ever since all this happened, we've continued to study for our classes together and talk about once a day. But yesterday, I feel like we actually took a step forward again. Now, I just have to be patient and wait to see if we move forward again. This random 90s quote just might get me through this. But for now, the budding relationship between Dawson and Joey in episode 2 needs my attention. :)

monologue.

Bull Durham just came on my TV. This monologue in the beginning makes me laugh every single time. I needed to share. Did I mention that I L-O-V-E this movie?! SO EXCITED right now.

Annie: I believe in the church of baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there's 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there's 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. Y'see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring. Which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball. You just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250. Not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. Y'see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I get a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickenson or Walt Whitman to him. And the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. Of course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe -- and pretty. 'Course what I give them lasts a lifetime. What they give me lasts a 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball. Who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for god's sake! It's a long season, and you gotta trust it. I've tried them all, I really have. And, the only church that feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the church of baseball."

closeness.

Well, Boone got 8 inches of snow this weekend. This basically meant that I had a fantastic weekend. If you know anything about me, you know that I hate water, being wet, or being cold. Which means I despise the snow. However, this weekend I learned to appreciate snow. This snow storm allowed me to become closer with some friends.

Friday night, I went to my life-long friend, Laura's apartment. She happens to live with 2 of my girls from PSE. We attempted a puzzle, made dinner, watched Teen Mom, and of course went sledding! And it finally ended with watching Season One of The OC. This was the most perfect girls' night ever. I was able to spend valuable time with Laura as well as get to know the other 2 girls out of a PSE setting. I feel really connected to them now. If it wasn't for this snow, I never would have had the opportunity to spend this time with these girls.

Saturday was spent relaxing, reading, and napping. Then I got a text from Derek who wanted to hang out. I mean, I didn't have plans. And I definitely wasn't going to argue about hanging out. :) So we watched Friday Night Lights and just talked for what seemed like ages. I can truly say that I love hanging out with him. We can just talk and laugh and just ignore everything else going on around us, including the movie we're supposed to be watching. I cannot wait to see where this goes.

Sunday was productive in a way of doing things I didn't need to do. Does that make sense? Let me explain. I woke up and just lied around for bit. Then got breakfast, then started reading Walden by Thoreau (I won't even begin to complain about that.) Of course I fell asleep 12 pages in. After waking up I went to lunch with 2 dear friends. Then PJ and I began our adventure. We drove to Laura's apartment to pick up my phone charger, then we drove around Boone for no reason, then we went to Wal-Mart, the dollar store, and the Christian bookstore. Well, at least we thought we were going to the bookstore. That didn't work. It's Sunday. CHRISTIAN bookstore. Something didn't click in my head before pulling into the parking lot. :) I then returned to campus and found myself cutting a friend's hair in the lobby of his dorm. Then I went to dinner with 2 other friends, hung out with Derek for like 15 minutes, and now I'm back here.

I just wanted to share about my weekend. And so far, my decision to steer my life back onto the tracks it was on before is working. I just need more weekends like this. Then, we'll be perfect. Hope y'alls weekend was just as fabulous!

lies and hope.

I know what you're thinking. "What?! She actually remembered her password? She's actually writing again?!" Yes, I did and I am. :) So let's catch you up.

I'm now at Appalachian State University majoring in Business/Marketing Education. Since being here I've joined a co-ed business fraternity, Pi Sigma Epsilon, and I'm basically just loving life.

My roommate and I get along great. I couldn't ask for a better person to live with. However, just as all friends have problems, we've encountered ours these past fews days. Last Thursday, Liz told me she was going home for the weekend to help her sister go house shopping. I was going out of town for the weekend as well but I was going to a cabin with a bunch of friends from high school so it didn't really bother me that she was leaving. She told me she was taking the bus to Greensboro and that it left at 6. So I proceeded through my day and told her goodbye as I left the room. I had pulled over on the side of the highway to meet one of my friends that was coming to the cabin with us. As I was pulling back onto the highway, I see her ex-boyfriends car with her in the passenger seat. I was appalled. She lied to me. Flat out lied to me. I then proceed to text her to tell her I saw them and all she did was laugh about it and say "So maybe I'm going to State this weekend to visit Eric. Sorry I didn't tell you, I just know how you feel about me and Eric." So, what did I do? I ignored it. (Real mature, I know) But ever since we got back in town, things have not been the same. I cannot trust anything she says anymore. I feel like she's hiding things from me. It just bothers me because I thought we were at point to where we didn't have to hide things from each other. I know I don't hide things from her. I don't want this to hurt our friendship but at the same time friends don't just lie to each other. And why did she lie? Yeah, so she's knows how I feel about it. But at the same time, I can't stop her from going. I'm not her parents. Its her life, she can do what she wants. Just don't lie in the process. Sorry for this rant. I just needed to vent.

On the happy side of things. I've been shown hope the past few days. Over the past few months, I've strayed. And I know I have. And during the past month or so, I've felt like God is angry with me. As if, I don't deserve anything from him. But just as I was starting to give up, a prayer was answered. And don't get me wrong, I love my old friends to death. But sometimes, we all need new people in our lives to make us realize just how stupid we've been. Last week at bible study, my friend Laura started talking about how she had been making stupid mistakes and wanted to change. Laura and I ended up having much more in common than I thought we did. We've struggled with the same things all semester. This is a gift. I now have someone I can talk to that fully understands where I'm coming from and can encourage me to do the right things.

And just as Laura entered my life, Derek came into the picture as well. After last semester and my experiences with males in my life I began to pray for someone to come into my world and show me the right way to live. Well, just two weeks ago, that was given to me. I met Derek in my English class and it just so happened he was also in my Dance class. He is also friends with some girls on my hall and my other friend, Orlando. The other day, I had mentioned to Orlando that I thought Derek was cute and what not but I didn't really expect anything to happen. Well it just so happened that Derek and I had dinner Monday night! The more I get to know him, the more I realize that he really is the answer to my prayers. That sounds really cliche and I'm not putting all my hope into this kid. I mean, let's be serious. I've only known him for 2 weeks. But I can say that even the tiniest amount of hope that it gives me is definitely helping me figure things out. I just continue to pray that something positive comes out of the friendship. If anything, he's a great person and is trying hard to live a Christian life. One that I can look to, if I ever need guidance in mine.

So that's life at the moment. I just needed to clear my head. I hope y'all are having a fantastic week.

i suck at this whole blogging thing.

i'm really bad at keeping promises.

such as returning to the blogging world.

however, i do promise to return. soon. yes.

ok, bye.