Daisies, a Starry Night, and Country Music

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2011-01-10T10:38:00.000-05:00

Berry Branch Thank You Card

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daffodils.

2010-04-12T22:58:00.002-04:00

Anything I ever said about Derek, take it back. I never said it. I'm not gonna go into any details, but let's just say he turned out to be someone completely different. Someone, I didn't want to be with.

But on the other hand, its springtime! At least in Greensboro, it is. Its coming soon to Boone. The daffodils are fully bloomed in Boone. That's always a good sign. There's hope in those little yellow flowers. Spring always makes me so happy. Even though I get swamped with itchy eyes, a runny nose, and the worse headaches anyone can imagine. Something about spring just puts a smile on my face. Part of it is the busy-ness. So many things happen in the spring.
* I start working at New Garden on a regular basis again
* Baseball. and lots of it. Northwest, Appalachian, Grasshoppers, MLB.
* Cookouts, dances, vacations, etc.
* and so much more.

(PS-this post will be all over the place. i have lots to update you on)

My roommate and I. At the beginning of the year, things were great. We hung out all the time, talked about everything, and even had Thursday nights reserved for each other. Perfect, right? Not so much anymore. We never see each other, don't speak to each other, and never save time for each other. Its rather sad. I want to be her friend, I enjoyed our friendship. I come in the room and not a word is spoken to me. I try making conversation and it just doesn't happen. She has changed a lot over the year and I don't know if it was for the better or not. Her boyfriend and her broke up in December and ever since then things have not been the same. During the first semester, she was caught up with him and never went out to meet new people. While I was joining PSE and meeting all kinds of new people. Now that they have broken up, she has no one here besides a few friends that she sees on a very irregular basis. I'm just worried about her. I want to talk to her about things but I she doesn't. All I can do is hope and pray that God helps her out of this rut and back into the fun, exciting friend I used to have.

Boys and I. Boys are confusing. That's really all I can say. And its not necessarily them that are confusing. Its me that makes such a mess. I'm just indecisive and scared. My last relationship with Daniel did not end well. At first, I never saw an end. Boy, that was foolish of me. So when the end came, I was heartbroken. Since then, I've grown as a person and believe that I've become a stronger woman. But then, a boy comes along. I fall apart. I make myself vulnerable. Then, I end up getting hurt. Every. Single. Time. I'm done with being hurt. I'm done with being vulnerable. The next guy I'm with will have to come to me. I'm done sacrificing myself. He's chasing me this time. I'm not chasing him.

Ok. I'm done. As I've said before, this blog is mostly used for myself. It helps me straighten things out in my head. Sorry to bore you with all this. Maybe one day I'll write something informative and helpful to you people. :)

advice from the creek.

2010-02-25T10:45:00.002-05:00

"...the second kiss is always tougher than the first one. And that first kiss, it's the passionate one, it's the one fueled by desire, and attraction, and all of that. The second kiss is rational. You've got time to think about it, worry, and overanalyze. Most women, they prefer that first kiss, but I'm partial to the second one. Because it's about something more." -Betsy to Joey, Dawson's Creek, Season 2 Episode 1

As the snow is falling in Boone...again. I'm sitting in bed watching my Dawson's Creek box sets. I started Season 2 this morning. (Can I just mention that I've seen every Dawson's Creek episode at least 5 times?) In episode 1, the viewers witness Joey and Dawson's first kiss. Joey gets all flustered and worried that maybe they made a mistake or that she did something wrong. Her sister gives her that piece of advice. The advice that the second kiss is always the one that means the most and that she needs to be patient in order to receive that second kiss. Then it hit me, I am the Joey.

Things with Derek and I took a huge U-turn a few weeks back. Feelings were too strong at the time. Things had gotten really serious, really fast. Nothing went wrong it was just that we needed to take a few steps back in order to take steps forward in the future.

At first, I was really upset about that fact. Like cried myself to sleep-woke up with swollen eyes-constantly checking my phone-kind of upset. But I then came to my senses. I realized that I needed to get on with things. So I did. Derek and I continued with our friendship and tried to be as normal as possible. Well, now things are looking up again. Ever since all this happened, we've continued to study for our classes together and talk about once a day. But yesterday, I feel like we actually took a step forward again. Now, I just have to be patient and wait to see if we move forward again. This random 90s quote just might get me through this. But for now, the budding relationship between Dawson and Joey in episode 2 needs my attention. :)

monologue.

2010-02-04T23:17:00.002-05:00

Bull Durham just came on my TV. This monologue in the beginning makes me laugh every single time. I needed to share. Did I mention that I L-O-V-E this movie?! SO EXCITED right now.

Annie: I believe in the church of baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there's 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there's 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. Y'see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring. Which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball. You just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250. Not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. Y'see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I get a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickenson or Walt Whitman to him. And the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. Of course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe -- and pretty. 'Course what I give them lasts a lifetime. What they give me lasts a 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball. Who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for god's sake! It's a long season, and you gotta trust it. I've tried them all, I really have. And, the only church that feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the church of baseball."

closeness.

2010-01-31T21:36:00.002-05:00

Well, Boone got 8 inches of snow this weekend. This basically meant that I had a fantastic weekend. If you know anything about me, you know that I hate water, being wet, or being cold. Which means I despise the snow. However, this weekend I learned to appreciate snow. This snow storm allowed me to become closer with some friends.

Friday night, I went to my life-long friend, Laura's apartment. She happens to live with 2 of my girls from PSE. We attempted a puzzle, made dinner, watched Teen Mom, and of course went sledding! And it finally ended with watching Season One of The OC. This was the most perfect girls' night ever. I was able to spend valuable time with Laura as well as get to know the other 2 girls out of a PSE setting. I feel really connected to them now. If it wasn't for this snow, I never would have had the opportunity to spend this time with these girls.

Saturday was spent relaxing, reading, and napping. Then I got a text from Derek who wanted to hang out. I mean, I didn't have plans. And I definitely wasn't going to argue about hanging out. :) So we watched Friday Night Lights and just talked for what seemed like ages. I can truly say that I love hanging out with him. We can just talk and laugh and just ignore everything else going on around us, including the movie we're supposed to be watching. I cannot wait to see where this goes.

Sunday was productive in a way of doing things I didn't need to do. Does that make sense? Let me explain. I woke up and just lied around for bit. Then got breakfast, then started reading Walden by Thoreau (I won't even begin to complain about that.) Of course I fell asleep 12 pages in. After waking up I went to lunch with 2 dear friends. Then PJ and I began our adventure. We drove to Laura's apartment to pick up my phone charger, then we drove around Boone for no reason, then we went to Wal-Mart, the dollar store, and the Christian bookstore. Well, at least we thought we were going to the bookstore. That didn't work. It's Sunday. CHRISTIAN bookstore. Something didn't click in my head before pulling into the parking lot. :) I then returned to campus and found myself cutting a friend's hair in the lobby of his dorm. Then I went to dinner with 2 other friends, hung out with Derek for like 15 minutes, and now I'm back here.

I just wanted to share about my weekend. And so far, my decision to steer my life back onto the tracks it was on before is working. I just need more weekends like this. Then, we'll be perfect. Hope y'alls weekend was just as fabulous!

lies and hope.

2010-01-26T21:29:00.002-05:00

I know what you're thinking. "What?! She actually remembered her password? She's actually writing again?!" Yes, I did and I am. :) So let's catch you up.

I'm now at Appalachian State University majoring in Business/Marketing Education. Since being here I've joined a co-ed business fraternity, Pi Sigma Epsilon, and I'm basically just loving life.

My roommate and I get along great. I couldn't ask for a better person to live with. However, just as all friends have problems, we've encountered ours these past fews days. Last Thursday, Liz told me she was going home for the weekend to help her sister go house shopping. I was going out of town for the weekend as well but I was going to a cabin with a bunch of friends from high school so it didn't really bother me that she was leaving. She told me she was taking the bus to Greensboro and that it left at 6. So I proceeded through my day and told her goodbye as I left the room. I had pulled over on the side of the highway to meet one of my friends that was coming to the cabin with us. As I was pulling back onto the highway, I see her ex-boyfriends car with her in the passenger seat. I was appalled. She lied to me. Flat out lied to me. I then proceed to text her to tell her I saw them and all she did was laugh about it and say "So maybe I'm going to State this weekend to visit Eric. Sorry I didn't tell you, I just know how you feel about me and Eric." So, what did I do? I ignored it. (Real mature, I know) But ever since we got back in town, things have not been the same. I cannot trust anything she says anymore. I feel like she's hiding things from me. It just bothers me because I thought we were at point to where we didn't have to hide things from each other. I know I don't hide things from her. I don't want this to hurt our friendship but at the same time friends don't just lie to each other. And why did she lie? Yeah, so she's knows how I feel about it. But at the same time, I can't stop her from going. I'm not her parents. Its her life, she can do what she wants. Just don't lie in the process. Sorry for this rant. I just needed to vent.

On the happy side of things. I've been shown hope the past few days. Over the past few months, I've strayed. And I know I have. And during the past month or so, I've felt like God is angry with me. As if, I don't deserve anything from him. But just as I was starting to give up, a prayer was answered. And don't get me wrong, I love my old friends to death. But sometimes, we all need new people in our lives to make us realize just how stupid we've been. Last week at bible study, my friend Laura started talking about how she had been making stupid mistakes and wanted to change. Laura and I ended up having much more in common than I thought we did. We've struggled with the same things all semester. This is a gift. I now have someone I can talk to that fully understands where I'm coming from and can encourage me to do the right things.

And just as Laura entered my life, Derek came into the picture as well. After last semester and my experiences with males in my life I began to pray for someone to come into my world and show me the right way to live. Well, just two weeks ago, that was given to me. I met Derek in my English class and it just so happened he was also in my Dance class. He is also friends with some girls on my hall and my other friend, Orlando. The other day, I had mentioned to Orlando that I thought Derek was cute and what not but I didn't really expect anything to happen. Well it just so happened that Derek and I had dinner Monday night! The more I get to know him, the more I realize that he really is the answer to my prayers. That sounds really cliche and I'm not putting all my hope into this kid. I mean, let's be serious. I've only known him for 2 weeks. But I can say that even the tiniest amount of hope that it gives me is definitely helping me figure things out. I just continue to pray that something positive comes out of the friendship. If anything, he's a great person and is trying hard to live a Christian life. One that I can look to, if I ever need guidance in mine.

So that's life at the moment. I just needed to clear my head. I hope y'all are having a fantastic week.

i suck at this whole blogging thing.

2009-10-19T22:57:00.001-04:00

i'm really bad at keeping promises.

such as returning to the blogging world.

however, i do promise to return. soon. yes.

ok, bye.

the past 30 minutes.

2009-10-11T16:08:00.002-04:00

I just spent the past 30 minutes reading all my old blog posts.

That was entertaining. If you're new to the blog, which I know of at least one, I advise you to go read a few of the old posts. It might explain me better than I could ever explain me.

So, this is me easing my way back into the blogging world. I'll be back tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

i miss writing.

2009-10-09T21:09:00.002-04:00

i miss this place.

this place of peace.

this place of rest.

this place of calmness.

i'll be back soon. don't worry. this is just a reminder to me, you, and everyone else in the world that no matter how many times you avoid something, it will always be there. thank you blogger.

remember that yellow daisy?

2009-06-11T21:23:00.002-04:00

so its been a while.
remember that yellow daisy I mentioned?
yeah, still have it. :)

Ever since that day, the daisy has never left my side. Its always in my wallet.
This whole thing started off kind of slow at first, but in this past few weeks things have started picking up. 8 dates later, and the 9th coming tomorrow night, I must say that I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. I hate to get all mushy with you but the last time I felt this way was freshman year. I am just so comfortable around him but yet I still get those butterfly feelings in my stomach every time I hear his name.

There's two sides to this; however. The previous mentioned, "I-can't-take-my-mind-off-him"-side. And the "I'm-scared-to-death,-never-knowing-what's-going-to-come-next"-side.

No matter how happy I am to be in this position, I am also scared to death. I'm scared because the last time I felt this way I ended up heart broken. I'm scared because I've never felt so vulnerable. I'm scared because I'm happy.

Anything could happen. That's all I'm going on right now. I could end up happy for a very long time. Or I could end up broken hearted like before. We shall see.

But for now, I'm living in the present. Basking in all the happiness my little body can bear. Taking in every moment. Loving this time we have together. No longer will I read into every little thing. Living in the present. And looking at my little yellow daisy anytime I need a reminder.

a yellow-daisy kind of happy.

2009-04-22T22:18:00.002-04:00

:)

That describes me right now.

Long story, short.
Basically, there's this guy at work with whom I've been flirting with lately. He brought up a Japanese Maple tree that I thought was really ugly. He then asked me what my favorite flower was so I said it was the daisy, of course. A few hours later, he proceded to pick a yellow daisy and bring it to me. After giving me the daisy, he then asked me to dinner.

At this moment in time you could've said that I was the happiest girl on the planet. I couldn't wipe that silly smile off my face. We went to Jam's and talked for almost 2 hours. It was very enjoyable.

Now, you're wondering. Jordan, what's so special about this one? Well, to be completely honest, I don't know yet. He's a genuinely nice guy. He's obviously observant. He's respectful. I don't want to jinx myself but I can tell you this...I haven't felt this way about someone in a very long time. All I can do is wait it out and pray. Pray that God uses this to show me something that I haven't known before. Pray that something good will come out of it. And with all my praying I can just hope that it develops into something that means a lot to me. Whether it be a great friendship or a relationship. We shall see. We shall see.

But for now, I'll keep my yellow daisy in the front part of my wallet. So I can see it whenever I want. Just because it makes me happy. :)

just one of my not-yet-put-together-1000-piece-puzzles.

2009-04-12T18:46:00.004-04:00

I don't even know what to write at this point.
If this post seems like a not-put-together-yet-1000-piece-puzzle thats probably because it is.

I guess I'll just start with Friday. I didn't go to school. I just didn't feel like it. The day before spring break and its senior year. So that was my reason. I went to Emily's house at like 10:30ish in my pajamas. We went to Food Lion to grab some brownie mix, came home to make brownies, ate cereal, watched and sang to Grease, ate brownies, went hammocking, and stalked cute firemen. That was our day. :) The firemen story? Sure. Why not? As we were hammocking I got a text from my friend telling me that New Garden Nursery was on fire. Seeing how I work there I get a little concerned. So I call my manager and she tells me that it blew over from Bryan Blvd. and that there was a bunch of firemen out by the road. So of course, we had to drive by. And low and behold, there was a cute one! A very cute one. But after our adventure I left Emily's and went to work. Work was non-eventful. Then off to Tilley's birthday dinner with a bunch of the favorites. That was great. Food was amazing. Shout out to Gracia's cooking! We all just hung out and had fun. It was after I left Tilley's when I had one of those "too perfect to be true" moments. I can't go much further than that. But I can tell you that it was one of the best times I've had in a while.

Saturday was a long day. A very long day. I went to work at 9 am. We were busy. But hey, I got free lunch! woo! Thanks, Conrad! Then, I left at 6 pm. Came home. Showered. Met Travis at his house. Went to Mykonos for dinner. We had great conversation and at one point I almost even started crying. We were talking about high school and how things have changed for both of us since he graduated two years ago. I had just realized that we had been through so much in our friendship and that eventually its all gonna end. It upset me a lot. Everytime I go to Mykonos something awkward has to happen. This time, as we went to the register to pay Travis went first and said, "I had the gyro." Not so awkward right? Wrong. The lady preceded to say this: "Oh, you're not gonna pay for your date?" Whoah. Time out. Put one hand on top of your other one. Now move your thumbs in a circular pattern. AWKWARD TURTLE! The last date that Travis and I had been on was over two and half years ago! However, to cut the lady some slack, the way that we bickered at each other through dinner and made fun of each other someone could have easily mistaken it for a date situation. Then our other waiter just had to make this comment: "Oh, is he your brother?" This one might have been even more awkward but we were trying to recover from the last one. It took a lot of explaining and laughter just to get out of the restaraunt. We then went to Target for a little bit and just goofed off. On my way home, I actually did start crying. I don't know why. It was nothing Travis did. I was just crying. For nothing.

Sunday. It's Easter! Happy Easter! Woke up. Went to church. Amazing service, by the way. Came home. Had Grandma, Paw Paw, Terri, Mel, and Sanders over for lunch. Sometimes I just want to tell my entire family to shut up. They talk way too much about things that no one at the table is interested in. Take my dad for example. These are the subjects that his brain is limited too: NW baseball, UNC basketball, landscaping, and the weather. Really? Yes. That's it. And he'll ask you the same question 10 times before he'll remember your answer. After dessert I left the table, went outside, hung up my hammock, and stayed out there until everyone left. It was glorious. We then rode to Granny's for a little bit. Went to Wal-Mart. Came home. Layed in the hammock for another hour. And now I'm here. Waiting.

This week brings 42 hours of working at the nursery. Yes, 42 hours. But Jordan, shouldn't you be at the beach? It's Senior Year Spring Break. Are you crazy? Yes. I am. However, I am going to Anaheim in 2 weeks so I need all the money I can get. Ok well. I think I'm done. Maybe. If there is another post later, don't kill me. :)

maybe I was wrong.

2009-03-26T22:07:00.003-04:00

In my last post I mentioned a friend that was letting go.
Well, I regret saying that now. He wasn't letting go.

Throughout our friendship, there have been many rough spots. Times where we wouldn't speak to each other for weeks or even months at a time. Times where we wouldn't see each other for what seemed like eternities. Times where both of us had no clue what was going on in the other person's life. However, if you subtract all those bad moments in our relationship, you have a great friendship. A friendship that has trust, reliability, and laughter. What's the best thing about this friendship? We never let the bad stuff get in the way of our relationship. We always go back to the same way we were before. Whether that is just sitting on the couch watching countless hours of The OC or sitting in Starbucks for hours on end.

Over the past two weeks, we had a rough spot. Phone calls were not returned and text messages were never sent. But then today, everything was normal. That amazes me. I don't know many people who can do that. Two people. One friendship. Never an end in sight.

Except for this fact. He's leaving for Texas in as soon as a month. That sucks. I'm not gonna lie. Will I ever see him again? Who knows. I can't talk about this too much because it makes me cry. But, all I can say is this. I love you and I will miss you dearly when you are gone. Be safe. And come back as soon as you can.

the do's and do-not's of life.

2009-03-24T18:19:00.003-04:00

throughout my life I have come to recognize some do's and do-not's associated with everyday life. let's begin.

DO'S.

1. DO double check your zipper before leaving the bathroom.
2. DO always put on deodorant every morning.
3. DO keep gum in a secret place.
4. DO keep blankets and chairs in the trunk of your car at all times.
5. DO spray your perfume in your hair. It stays longer.
6. DO keep everything from any important or potentially important moment in your life.
7. DO learn how to walk barefoot on gravel. It comes in handy.
8. DO get up on the same side of the bed every morning. It will seriously mess up your day.
9. DO get all the free samples you can.
10. DO take way too many pictures.
11. DO wear your jeans until you are forced to buy new ones.
12. DO listen to your Momma. She knows what she's talking about.
13. DO confront people.
14. DO put on lots of sunscreen. Even if it is windy and cold. Otherwise, you WILL be a tomato face.
15. DO ask (not whine) until you get what you want.
16. DO meet new people whenever possible. And remember their names!
17. DO take any oppotunity that life throws at you. No matter what it is.
18. DO go somewhere you've never been before.

DO NOT'S

1. DO NOT try to iron your clothes in a rush. You WILL get burned.
2. DO NOT cut an onion 5 minutes before leaving your house. It will look like your on drugs.
3. DO NOT paint your nails before you get in the shower.
4. DO NOT rub your dog before leaving. You WILL smell like that all day.
5. DO NOT go swimming with non-waterproof mascara.
6. DO NOT embarass yourself to get a boy's attention.
7. DO NOT over accessorize.
8. DO NOT wear rain boots with a skirt.
9. DO NOT quit something you love.
10. DO NOT eat spicy chicken on a first date.
11. DO NOT procrastinate on getting your car inspected.
12. DO NOT judge someone by the way they look.
13. DO NOT hate someone you don't know. They'll eventually become your best friend.
14. DO NOT say you're never gonna wear something. You will.
15. DO NOT take for granted anything.
16. DO NOT forget memories of the past.
17. DO NOT live on the memories solely. Go make new ones.
18. DO NOT revel on past mistakes. You learned something right?
19. DO NOT lose touch with the people you love.
20. DO NOT let go of something that you're not ready to let go of.
21. DO NOT change for anyone or anything.
22. DO NOT be afraid of anything.
23. DO NOT hold yourself back.

Why? Why did I feel the need to post this? To be honest, I don't know. I just did. These past few weeks have been hard. I lost a friend of whom I loved dearly. And I have no idea why he's letting go. I was thrown into a new relationship with someone I never imagined being friends with, and now I'm regretting even talking to this person. I've lost touch with someone I was just getting to know. But in all of this, I was taught something. Something that I should've known for a long time. Something that I have known but have never said outloud. I have been taught that: I am saved. I am saved by Jesus Christ. Cliche? Yes. Typical Sunday School answer? Yes. Elementary? Yes. But this week those three words have never meant so much. I am saved.

i don't feel any older.

2009-02-22T21:20:00.002-05:00

I turned 18 today. Its nice to say. But at the same time, I don't feel any older. And its kinda scary. I'm responsible for me now.

This past year has been fun. It holds lots of different memories. Good and bad. Some that I regret and some that I would love to repeat.

So now, I wait to see what this year brings me. It will bring graduation, summer life, new friends, college, good-byes, and lots of tears and laughter.

Most people go out and do something crazy when they turn 18. I haven't decided what I'm gonna do yet. I'm waiting to go clubbing when all my friends turn 18 in the spring. I really want to get my tatoo but my father will disown me so I have to get out of my house before I do that. I don't smoke so the options of buying cigarettes and cigars is kinda out of the question. Maybe I'll go register to vote...that'll be fun, right?

the sport of the south.

2009-02-15T14:53:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here in front of my TV. The Daytona 500 starts in about 4 minutes. In my opinion, this is one of the greatest sporting events in America. The World Series is of course the best but, the "all-American race" is a very close second.

There's nothing like seeing 43, usually attractive, men drive around a race track for 500 miles. They speed around each other fighting for that number 1 spot. There's wrecks, there's fire, there's sweat, there's speed, and there's the notorious commentators. This race has held many memories for us "southern folk." Your above-average race fan can tell you who has won the Daytona 500 for the past 50 years. Daytona brings a united feeling for our nation. It just amazes me how one race can have such an impact on our nation.

However, after all these happy feelings subside, I begin to think back to the 2001 Daytona 500. The night that Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died. Turn 4 of lap 200 turned fatal. Earnhardt hit the wall at a speed of 157 mph. He was killed instantly. I remember this day. I was laying on the love seat when the wreck happened. At first, I didn't think anything of it. It's the Daytona 500, wrecks are supposed to happen. But after watching EMT and other emergency personnel cut Earnhardt out of the car, I knew something was wrong.

I hated that one of the best NASCAR drivers of all-time died. I didn't think it was right for someone to die like that. But then, I thought about it some more. Yes, he was a legend. Yes, he was the best. Yes, he was historic. But, he died doing what he loved. He died during a race that had defined him only 13 years before his death. If there was one way that I would want to die, it would be doing something I love. I think about that everytime I watch this race.

But for now, the race is about to start. It holds surprises and stories yet to be told. Its just so exciting!

"Boogity, Boogity, Boogity! Let's go racin' boys!"

God has a sense of humor.

2009-02-02T21:40:00.002-05:00

God has got me laughing these days.

I've always been the one to control everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. From the music on my radio to the time I strategically avoided a parent-teacher conference in middle school.

I applied to Appalachian State University on September 6th, 2008. The first week the application was available. I was so excited. It is the only place I applied and I knew that's where I wanted to go. I had been counting down the days until I would hear back from them. Last week came, and my countdown had dwindled down to single digits! I was so anxious. They mailed it on Friday. I was supposed to get it on Saturday.

As I sat on my couch with my pillow and blanket in hand because I was sick...I waited. I opened the blinds so I could watch the mail man come around the corner. At around 2 pm, there he was. So I ran to the front door just to see him ride right past our mail box... No mail.

I was devastated. Everyone else had gotten theirs. Except me...

So I told myself, I'll get it on Monday. No worries.

Well, Monday came. Monday went. And still, there's no letter from Appalachian in my mail box.

I'm left waiting. Again. At least for another 24 hours.

Here's the funny thing. I had been praying that God give me patience. I guess this is His way of teaching me patience. It may be frustrating for now but I know that the best will come out of it all. I am not totally out of control of when and what will be in this letter. I am totally un-knowing. Which in reality, is what God meant our lives to be. He wants us to live life according to His plans. Not ours. I'm just now learning this lesson but its nice to know that He IS in control. Not me.

And for those that did not know: God does have a sense of humor.

an unnecessary comment.

2009-01-29T23:28:00.002-05:00

I was sitting in English today having a conversation with a friend. We were talking about TWIRP (which happens to fall on Valentine's Day) and how I did not want to go this year. I was just telling her that I basically just had no desire to because I had gone for the past 3 years and that I don't like the fact that its on Valentine's Day. So I jokingly said to her, "I just like to sit at home by myself on Valentine's Day." After this statement both of us giggled for a minute because it was a sarcastic comment.

Not long after I had said that, another kid in our class, who has a reputation of being a jerk to everyone, had the nerve to say this unnecessary comment: "If anyone deserves to be alone on Valentine's Day, its you."

Usually, I just ignore his mean comments and keep on going on with my life. They usually don't bother me. However, this one did.

First of all, he butted into our conversation which clearly he was not a part of.
Second of all, no one deserves to be alone on Valentine's Day.
Third, his comments had been out of hand all week and this was the breaking point.

So I lashed back at him today. I kindly looked at him and said: "Get over yourself [insert name here]. I don't know why you have to be a jerk to everyone around you. I'm not in the mood to hear your mouth today so shut up."

And from then on, we did not say one word to each other for the rest of the class period.

I'm proud of myself for finally standing up to him. And I think a lot of people in that class are glad that I did too. Maybe now he'll keep his comments to himself.

However, I wonder. How can one person be so mean to me? What did I ever do to him? I have been nothing but nice to him ever since I met him. But I guess all I can do is pray for him. And wait.

playing mommy.

2009-01-29T23:15:00.002-05:00

I am so sick of playing mommy for my brother. It seems like every time I turn around I am hearing one of these phrases:

"Take Nick to [insert place name here]."
"Make sure Nick gets something to eat before he leaves."
"Make sure Nick doesn't forget [insert item here]."
"Jordan, Nick has baseball workouts tomorrow so you need to pick him up."
"Jordan, Nick has to go to school early for tutoring tomorrow so you'll need to take him."

I mean, really? I am 17 years old, single, with no kids. Or so I thought. Until today when I realized that I do more errand running, chauffering, and cooking than my mother. Don't get me wrong; my mother is a wonderful lady and she does a lot (and I mean A LOT) for our family. I love her to death. I just find it annoying that my life now revolves around my brothers because I can drive.

My father only has his truck and the trailer is usually hooked up to that for work so I can understand that he doesn't want to drive around with the trailer. However, when our other 2 cars are at home and have no plans of being taken out, why can't he drive one of those instead of asking me to do it?

I may be a little selfish by complaining about this. But this week alone I have lost at least 4 hours of my time because I was shuttling him around town. Those 4 hours could have been spent doing homework, working on scholarships, or even just relaxing. I understand that I am helping out my family by doing this but I'm just ready for this to end. He gets his license in July. And July cannot come quickly enough.

gone.

2009-01-11T21:45:00.002-05:00

They're gone. Everyone's gone. Its time for life to go back to the way it was before Christmas Break. I really wish they didn't have to leave. That we could just go back to this time last year when we didn't have to worry about going back to college. Some left last week and some left earlier this weekend while others left today. I hate when they leave. It makes me feel lonely. Like all my friends have left me. Which in a way, they have.

When they come home, its like nothing has changed. There's still laughter. There's still loud voices. There's still long conversations. And of course, there's still lifelong memories.

Its hard to go from having these times with my best friends to being all alone again. But its not like I'm really alone. I have other friends that I love. I have school. I have DECA. I have church. But its not the same.

That's basically all I have to say tonight. It'll be an interesting week. Adjusting with having everyone gone again. Here we go.

waiting.

2009-01-08T17:55:00.002-05:00

waiting to hear back from Appalachian: 22 days.
waiting to hear back from Teaching Fellows: 5ish days
waiting to hear back from other Scholarships: who knows.
waiting for Graduation: 4 months, 28 days.
waiting for my 18th birthday: 1 month, 13 days.
waiting for Spring Break: 3 months, 4 days.

Patience. That's the glue that holds me together. All of this waiting can make a person anxious. Not knowing what's going to happen. It's scary. But, its exciting. Anything could happen.

These days are filled with waiting. I will be so happy when all this has passed. However, something else will come up and I will just be found waiting again. But after all this waiting will I be happy? That's what scares me the most. And if I'm not happy, what is God's plan for me? Will something better come along?

Faith. That's the answer to that one. With faith I can get through anything. I have to trust that God has my best interest in mind and that he would never do anything to harm me.

Faith and patience. I pray that He gives me faith and patience as the next few months come and go.

a dream realized.

2009-01-04T21:00:00.002-05:00

Today something that was completely usual occured to me as something completely unusual. This requires a background story so I'll start with that.

In 4th grade I had a teacher, Mr. Stallard. He was by far my favorite teacher since I had started school. He was just amazing. The way he taught his students and the way he made everything a game. It was wonderful. I was upset when I had to leave 4th grade because I knew that I would be leaving Mr. Stallard. Then when I got my teacher assignments for 5th grade, I saw that I had Mr. Stallard again! So did my best friend. We were so excited. We came to find out later that he moved up to 5th grade just to have us in his class again. Mr. Stallard showed me what real teachers are. They are life-makers. I know, that sounds corny. But the memories I have of Mr. Stallard are in my brain as if it were yesterday.

After 5th grade, I didn't have another teacher quite like Mr. Stallard until 8th grade. Mr. Brown was my Social Studies teacher. You could see his love of the subject as well as his love for his students. If one student were having trouble he would stop the entire class to make sure everyone was on the same page. It was during 8th grade when I realized that just maybe I would want to be a teacher when I grew up. Part of this idea I can thank Mr. Brown for. As I left middle school and came to high school I pushed this idea to the back of my head and didn't think about it much at all.

As a sophomore, I took Fashion Merchandising. I know, who take Fashion Merchandising, right? Well, turns out that class was much more than just a class full of stuck up girls. Ms. Cotton taught this class. She was soon to become one of my biggest mentors in high school. She got me involved in DECA and got me to love the subject that she loved, marketing. Ms. Cotton's class always felt like a family atmospere when you walked in the door. She made everyone feel included and taught the curriculum fairly. I loved her class so much I decided to take Travel and Tourism Management for my junior year. This again made my year so much better. Just having that one teacher that was there for you that already knew you so well from the year before. It was awesome. So of course, after 2 years of Cotton I had to take a third class. So now, I'm in Marketing Management.

After 3 amazing teachers, it hit me. At the end of junior year I finally realized what it was that I was called to do. I was called to teach. So then I thought about it some more. I realized that the subject I loved the most was Marketing. So there I stood. With my dream realized. I wanted to be a high school Marketing teacher. I was scared to death. I had never known what I was going to do with my future. And then suddenly, I knew.

So then at the start of senior year I applied for the North Carolina Teaching Fellows Scholarship which will pay for 4 years of college as long as I teach in North Carolina for 4 years after I graduate. I haven't heard anything back from them yet. I'm supposed to hear back next week sometime to know if I made it to the second round of interviews or not.

So that was the background story, which happens to be much longer than the real story. This morning at church, my friends and I went our usual spot. Balcony, top left. Anyways, Mrs. Miller was sitting in her usual spot. Balcony, top middle. Mrs. Miller was a math teacher at my school last year. I never had her as a teacher but most of my friends did. I had only introduced myself to her once when I was in her room after school with some friends. So today, I walked with Erika as she went to say hello to her. After they exchanged greetings, Mrs. Miller looked at me and said, "Hey, Jordan! Can I have a hug too?" This shocked me. This was a teacher that I had never been a student of and someone that I had only formally met once. This showed me that she was a teacher who geniunely cared about her students. She paid attention to who her students were friends with and she cared about their lives outside of school.

This hit me deep. Today I realized that I want to be that teacher. The teacher that her students aren't afraid to come to with problems. And the teacher that knows my students' friends by their names. This truly impressed me. So I would like to thank Mrs. Miller. She showed me that not all teachers are just school-wise teachers, but that some actually do care about their students.

the not-so Prince Charmings of my life.

2009-01-04T00:17:00.003-05:00

He lives too far away.
He's not a Christian.
He doesn't even know who I am.
People think we're related.
He's too old.
He's too young.
He has a different life path.
He doesn't even know his life path.
I hardly know him.
He's my best friend.
I've known him too long.
I haven't known him long enough.
Our friends don't like each other.
My friends do not like him.
He doesn't like my friends.
He's immature.
He's too mature.
He's shy.
He's too loud.
He's too tall.
He's too short.

and here's my favorite:
He's udderly and completely wrong for me.

These statements describe each and every boy that I ever have liked/dated/kissed/talked to/held hands with/etc. Its funny. It seems like every boy in my life I have always found something wrong with. Its almost like I go into a relationship looking for something to be wrong about. That gives me an easy out. I use these "easy outs" when I get scared, or when I get bored, or when I decide that he's not the one for me.

Looking at these statements, I realize that I need to make a list. A list of all the qualities I want in my husband. A list that I will stick to no matter what. I realize that this list can't be Prince Charming; but it can be darn close. Its like custom-making my own Prince Charming, I guess. So tomorrow as I am sitting in my room, I will make this list. I will not share it with anyone. That is, until my wedding night when I marry the man that is described on my list. I will then share it with him and no one else.

I really want to tell you about the guy who has my attention right now. However, I can't. All I can say is this...it kills me to look him in the eyes without being able to say the things I want to say. So for now, I'm going to assume that that's the way its supposed to be for now. If something happens in the future, then it was meant to happen that way. I guess we shall see.

So now, I pray that He gives me wisdom as I make this list. I pray that He shows me what I need in a husband. And once again, I pray that He gives me patience as I wait for his answers and his guidance towards finding my future husband.

a quote.

2008-12-30T10:23:00.003-05:00

I ran across this quote the other day. It's basically the best quote I've ever read. Just thought that I'd share it with ya'll.

"To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because I think love is FEARLESS."
-TAYLOR SWIFT

a night to remember.

2008-12-27T21:54:00.002-05:00

Wow. That about sums up my evening.

First of all, Carrie came and picked me up for dinner. We went up 220 to this little restaurant called "60's Diner." Its a cute little old diner that most people wouldn't even think twice about. Carrie and I had our first encounter with the diner in July 2007; and we've been going ever since. They have an old juke box with a mixture of beach music along with some country. (What more could you ask for?!) We sat in the place for over an hour talking, eating, and listening to our favorite songs. It was great.

Next, we hopped back into Hercules (that's Carrie's truck's name) and went riding up 220. Carrie had remembered a story that our old AP Environmental teacher had told us about McMichael High School in Eden. Supposedly, there's a hill in the parking lot that you can park your car onto and put it in neutral and then it would roll forward but it would feel like it was rolling back. Well, basically...we couldn't find the hill. Maybe Dr. Thomas was pulling our leg. Or maybe we're dumb and it was a totally different high school. Who knows.

So then, I had the idea of driving to Virginia, just for the heck of it. It was only 20 more miles up the road. When we came to the "Welcome to Virginia" sign, we stopped and took a picture. Carrie and I have a habit of taking random road trips and taking pictures at new signs. But anyways, so then we kept driving north and passed the Martinsville Speedway. Both of us love NASCAR so we were gonna have to turn around and go back. But first, we stopped at the next gas station for a bathroom break and a few gallons of gas. We grabbed a sheet of paper from the cashier and starting making a "Summer 2009 Bucket List." This is simply a list of things that Carrie and I want to do before we leave for college. And, I'll even share it with you:

+ go to a Rascal Flatts Concert
+ road trip to South Carolina
+ road trip to Tennessee
+ go on the Blue Ridge Parkway (she's never been)
+ go to the PBR
+ go see the Monster Trucks
+ see Taylor Swift in concert
+ go to the zoo
+ take a trip to the beach
+ visit Virginia again, in the daytime
+ go to a NASCAR race
+ get *another* palm reading (keep reading for more details)
+ go to BINGO night at the Moose Lodge

That's it so far. Feel free to join us, however we are very random so these things could happen at any time.

So after making our list at the gas station, we turned around and started heading south again. This took us back to the Speedway. We turned in the driveway and rode around the parking lot. She had never seen it before so it was kind of exciting. We took a picture of the sign, don't worry. :)

Then we started heading home. As we were driving we saw a sign for palm reading. Carrie got very excited. We stopped. It was $20 so I wasn't doing it, but Carrie did. It was so scary! Some things she said were already true so it'll be interesting to see if the other things come true. Carrie and I plan to go to the beach for spring break so we both agreed to get another one at the beach, hence why its on the Bucket List.

So after that adventure, we were seriously going home. But I was still mad that there wasn't an actual "state line" when we crossed into Virginia. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and ever since I saw "A Walk to Remember" I've wanted to be in two places at once. So when I saw a sign for Eden, NC; I told Carrie to turn off 220 onto 87. A little ways down the road, there was a "Welcome to North Carolina" sign. After turning around twice, we pulled over. There was a line! I was so excited. So we both stood there straddling the line as I took the picture of our feet. It was definitely a dream come true. I know it sounds corny, but it made me so happy.

After this, our night was complete. Almost. What's an adventure with Carrie and Jordan without getting lost?! It took us an extra 30 minutes to get home, but no worries. We made it. And it was definitely one of the best nights of my life. It was spent driving. It was spent talking. It was spent laughing. It was spent making life-long memories. But best of all, it was spent with my best friend.

a different christmas.

2008-12-25T20:49:00.002-05:00

This Christmas was a lot different from past Christmases. We started cooking Wednesday morning then headed to the Christmas Eve service at church at 4:30. Grandma and Paw Paw met us there. Here's just one of the things that was so unusual about the Christmas Eve service; Laura and her parents came! It was their first year coming and that made me so happy. They sat with me and my family, as well as Jordan Bunce and his mom. It was nice to have everyone in one place.

Next, Grandma, Paw Paw, and Terri came over for dinner. Here's the unusual part to that story: Carrie came over too! :-) If you've read past blogs or you know the situation, you know that Carrie doesn't live at home anymore. She usually doesn't accept invitations like this but for some reason she did this time and I'm really glad she did. I can't imagine living alone as an 18 year-old on Christmas. How heart breaking. But, that was probably the most unusual thing about this Christmas.

After dinner and presents, Carrie, Nick, and I went to visit Justin at the firehouse. We brought him a pumpkin pie. It must suck to work on Christmas Eve. But anyways, we stayed there for about an hour or so. It was really cool to see how firemen live while they're at the station. He showed us the big trucks and all the cool tools in them. It also made me very thankful that one of those trucks have never visited my house.

Then we came home and slept. Then we woke up and opened presents. I got an ipod touch and Nick got the new Blackberry (never will I figure out why a 15 year old needs a Blackberry...but whatever) Then it was breakfast time. And guess what?! Carrie came over again! :-) Once again, an unusual event. It was good to have her company. Then, it was naptime. Then, off to Granny's. Then, to Aunt Juanita's. Then, another nap. :-) Then, we went to Bill's Pizza for dinner. I have a feeling that will be a new tradition. It was nice not having to eat leftovers.

And so now I'm here. Pondering the past two days. Thinking about the things that have happened and thanking God for everything. But now, I have questions for Him. They're ones that I'm gonna keep between the two of us for now. Some are about the future, some are about the present, and some are about the past. Some are about friends, some are about family, and some are about complete strangers. But no matter what the question, they all require waiting. And that's something I'm not very good at. I'm not a patient person. So, as you read this, I ask that you pray for me. Pray that He may provide me with patience and kindness as I wait. And once again, keep Carrie in your prayers.

I hope you had a very Merry Christmas. Thank you. And, God Bless.

its one of those days.

2008-12-18T19:11:00.002-05:00

Back in July I went to the Martha Guy Summer Institute at Appalachian State University. I was there for 3 weeks and at first, it felt like it was going to be the longest three weeks of my life. Thankfully, I had found out that one of my friends, Mitchell, was going too. Out of over 100 applicants all over North Carolina, who would've guessed that Mitchell and I would be 2 of 24 chosen to attend. I was so nervous as we were driving up there. I had never been away from home for over 10 days and the only person I knew was Mitchell. Not exactly my ideal situation.
So long story short, those 3 weeks were perfect. I would not take anything back from those 3 weeks. I met a girl who happened to go the same high school and same grade as me. Meeting her was probably one of the best things that has happened to me since I began high school. She is amazing. Needless to say, she is definitely one of my best and closest friends. Anyways, that got me side tracked. The people that I met while I was there are family now. I came across a quote after I left that made me cry:
"We came as strangers, became friends, and left as family."
I have never heard anything so true. There are days when they are the only people that I want to be with. Today is one of those days. These people knew how to make me laugh and they understood everything about me. Luckily, I have a Liz and Mitchell around me to make the adjustment easier. But at the same time, the other 22 are still missing.
One would think that I would have "gotten over it" by now. And the truth is, most of my other camp-mates have. However, I have not. When I first got back from MGSI, I would not ever want to be with anyone. I only wanted to stay home and think about the memories that were made while away. Now, I'm pretty much back to a normal social life but there are days, such as today when all I want to go is go back to Doughton Hall at Appalachian State University and be with all my friends again.

a train wreck.

2008-12-01T22:22:00.002-05:00

I don't really know how to start this. So I'm just going to write.
School was fine. Whatever. However, when I got home from school my day was just beginning. Alexis Vick brought me home since Ellie (my car) is in the shop...she needed brakes real bad! I made Hamburger Helper for dinner since I still can't really eat solid foods. It was ok...not the best dinner in the world. And the day began...
After everyone had finished eating, the phone rang. Not an unusual occurance but this time it was. My mom answered and then looked at me with a really straight face. She pulled the phone away from her mouth and said, "Its Carrie's mom, she wants to know if you know where Carrie is." My mom knew that I had been in contact with Carrie since she left and my mom knows the entire situation, so I wasn't hiding anything from her. I shook my head as tears filled my eyes and I quietly said, "I can't talk to her." My mom picked up the phone again and told Sara Jane that I did not know where Carrie was.
That broke my heart. One-I couldn't talk to Sara Jane because I know that Carrie broke her heart when she moved out. I can't imagine what that does to a mother. And I would never wish it upon anyone. Two-I had just faced the fact that I truly did not know where Carrie was. That scared the life out of me. I knew she flew back today and the last time I had texted Carrie, she was in Atlanta. It was time for her to be back in North Carolina, but I had no clue where she was. Three-I had realized that Carrie doesn't realize how much she means to other people.
Earlier today, I had been joking around with some friends of mine and I said something that I shouldn't have said. So, I texted one of them just to say that what I said stayed where I said it. Long story, short; he basically said that no matter whats happened in the past that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. That hit me hard too. If there was one person in the entire world that should hate me more than anyone, it would be him. I have hurt him over and over and over again. And not like, a little bitty hurt...like I legit hurt him. More than once. But I always hurt him the same way. And every single time, he forgave me. He forgave me and he never let it come in the way of re-building our friendship. I'll never understand it. He's been there for me since sophomore year and I honestly believe that he'll be there for me for life. He doesn't know what he means to me and I wish I could tell him just how much that is; but words do too little. All I can say is thank you. And I wish that every friend could be exactly like you.
So, today was a rough day. Tomorrow has the potential to be a lot better, or a lot worse. Carrie is supposed to be at school tomorrow so if she is, great; if she isn't, I won't know what to do with myself. I have a lot more to talk about so I'll probably write again tomorrow. Once again, I ask that you pray for Carrie. But, I'm also gonna ask that you pray for me. Thank you.

restless

2008-11-29T12:11:00.002-05:00

I've been on this couch for 5 days. Plenty of time to watch 6 movies, eat 15 different meals, spend countless hours on facebook, send 27 bumper stickers, listen to my Taylor Swift CD 4 times, and ponder all sorts of life's questions. Some might argue that its too much time to think. And I might have to agree.
I've thought about what's going to happen in this next year. Where will I end up? Who will I be when I grow up? Will I be with that one person forever? Who will that one person be? Does everyone have that one person? In some ways, I like not knowing. But for the most part, I want to know. If you ask one question, you begin to think about the next. Its a cycle that you just can not get out of.
Carrie's birthday is today and that in a way, solves the problem. She's still in California with her dad and she's loving it. Being away from her mom is good for her. But it doesn't solve the problem that was created in the first place. So once again, I ask that you pray for her.
Tonight I'm going to dinner with the gang. I am so excited. Ever since they all left, it hasn't been the same. Seeing everyone tonight, might just get me through the next few weeks. We're going to Casa Vallartas (of course, it is our "usual" restaraunt), then we're going bowling! :) It should be lots of fun. With lots of stories of past times, laughter, pictures, and new memories.
But, A Walk to Remember is on so I'm going to go watch it. Make that 7 movies. :)

The Beginning

2008-11-26T16:28:00.000-05:00

Hey ya'll.
This whole thing is new to me, so let's see what happens. Its the day before Thanksgiving and I'm sitting on the couch. I had gum grafts done yesterday so my mouth hurts real bad. But I must say, I have amazing friends. Liz and Jordan brought me a cookies and cream milkshake after school and then 10 minutes after that, Zack and Erika brought me Raspberry Sorbet. And then, this morning Laura and Jordan Bunce brought me mashed potatoes. (mmmm my favorite) :) So all in all, considering the situation, I'm doing pretty well.
Carrie is in California and I'm really worried about her. I can't really explain more than that right now. So, I ask that if you are reading this, to pray for her. Whether you know her or not. Just pray for her safety. She and I both thank you.
Ok, well its time to take some more medicine and take another nap. :)